Hello Who be this nah?
U dey craze, Mad man… u no sabi my voice again?. Jebose, Jebose, Jebose, how many times I call u… Chai…chai… the first lady is calling u and you dey keep kwaett
Ha, madam, ooooooo… wetin nah, u no dey sleep? Haba!
Day nefer break for una yard?. Tunder faya u. wake up. Nigeria dey born
Ah- ah, madam which kain disturbance be this for this early mor mor nah. If Nigeria dey burn, wetin konsan me… u no let me get piss this morning. Shebi u be mama piss and u no wan make I get piss… Madam, u no come correct this early morning o. ehen. You jus wunjor my prayer with God. As Him wan Bless me, u carry your wahala come. Mschewwww!!!!
Na me u dey mschewww?. Eh Jebose? No problem. God will see us…God punish u, I say wake up make I yarn u wetin d man wey u call presiden jus arrange for Aso Rock…. Your brain go scatter all over town after u hear dis yarn…
Madam,no dey shout, mosquitoes no let me sleep for night, jus as I dey wan gbadun my dream, u come dey disturb me say Nigeria dey burn.. which kain wahala be dis
Me distop u?. Me?. Jebose Na me u dey say I dssitop u bcos I call u dis moring say make I yarn u?. Na God go corner that your mouth… Okada jam u fatal…
Kool down nah madam, NEPA Take lite Sunday night and mosquitoes jus dey jubilate with my blood since.
Na my folt say u nor get light since Sunday?. Na me say make u poor?. U no fit buy Generashion to put lite so e go carry ua useless China made KDK Mosquitoes killing fan`
Madam, I go vibrate back o… I say u dey disturb my dream this morning. Ah-ah… na wetin sef… na curse to dey poor?…shebi I say make u dash me 5000 naira last time, u say make I go play baba Ijebu Naira lotto.
Devu bend your neck for d way u dey take tok to d dame.Me, Nigeria’s only fes lady… oooohhh … na me u dey provoke? U is stupid. I be ua mate?, anyways, na d eleshion cost all the insolt and intomatos wey I dey get from u. I say I wan yarn u how your papa take dash all d appoyintiment to im peeples for hausa land
Eh?. Madam, na where u for hear am…who tell u ma. Oya oya, my eye don shine. I don sidon correct for mat… Madam Pisss… I dey hail you pass Tony Okoroji…sorry nah,,,, begin yarn…wetin u hear…
Who be Tony Okoroji? Dat musishan wey say radio stashion mus give yeye musishans bribe to play dia kpangolo music?. You sabi dat Biafra wey say him own Na COSON?. Eferytime u jus dey make my bele full of shitt with this kain peeples wey u dey call your friend. E be like say na only me be d kworrect friend u get for town. Foolish idiot, go sleep nah… one dey this kontiri go born born and u go dey sleep, efery bodi go waka comot town, na only you go dey sleep. Useless man. Any how, Jebose, south south, west west and east east, east west south don finish for naija. Your papa wey no get WAEC satisfkate, una President Buhari don dabaru eferything, him come arrange ogbonga gofment posishion take arrange im peeples, plus old men wey don kworta to die. Him say na inna kaukaus for Aso Rock. Yeh, Aiye Orimi oooo… this man don spoel spoel my husband good work ooo for dis kontiri… We womans, him no even dash anytins. Hey…Hey…aiye me ooo…I cry cry tear tear for Nigeria. Why una comot us eh, Jebose?. Why U comot my husband as presidence, all dis Aboki carri carri nor for happen oo… U ungratefulness Nigerians. Una see how Baba go slow come do una. Una get liver to shallenge am?… my husband wey carry school build for almajiris for north make dem for waka get ejukate and come arrange Creek boys and Egbe Omo Oduduwa and Ohaneze d same times when him dey be presidence… efery tribalist dey inside Jonathan gofernment, but your old papa come waka enter finish, begin shia shia d nashional cake to only im pesin… Jebose u see wetin u cost wey you follow dey cry make dem comot Jonathan darling, wey u dey provoke my husband… heeyyyyyy… I don suffer ooo… I swear, Jebose, I go naked nah nah begin cos U and Buhari… I go waka from Otueke reach Onicha Ugbo, come enter Abuja to protestk.
Eh, Madam, u mean you wan comot your clothes, you wan naked true true?
Eh nah, wetin make I do nah, as fes lady, I wan begin waka naked to Abuja, to protesck for womens dem make Baba Go slow nominashion dem oooo
Ah, madam, everybody go think say you don kolo be dat o… and Oga no go like to see him wife dey shia shia oga him package… U sabi Channels television go jus carry camera tanda for your breast… and even me sef go put you for Punch front page say; OUR FIRST LADY HAS GONE MAD AGAIN
Jebose, your papa and your mama…, your sister Buchy and your anti Franca Ogbechie. I don begin cos una….. Na me u wan put naked foto for paper. Na willbarrow dem go take bury u. Omokomo, oloshi alaroro. Chineke kpor gi okwu… na you go mad before and again. Abiku devu….
Madam, u don overheat…My syster Buchy na mega overheat o. She go melt you But even sef na wetin konsan me nah… na me be Nigeria?... na me dash Buhari Nigeria?. I beg parkwell
Shut up!!!...Nobody fit melit d Dame. I go arrange Tompolo make she scatter Buchy. Him fit like her sha cos when dem see fine woman dem go jus begin sing halleluiah….Your mama parkwell. Wait make I kach you. Jebose, I go naked for u. I swear, I go naked for you
Hia, madam, I beg wait make I blind first before fear catch me o.
Ehen madam Piss o, my brother, Charles Novia come yarn me say you get one babanla resort and hotel for Yenogoa. I beg na where you from get the money to build dat kain fine place
Hmmm… so u dey listening to dat foolish Bini boey wey Oba don band from Bini Kingdom. After my friend Oba band am, him come meet me for Otueke say him wan do my film for Nollywood. He say make I actor mama Piss for one of im yeye movie, say Dokubor go jus appear where I dey shake hand with better peeples for Warri, come shoot me and I will die. I come vex say make dem comot am for my shotel. So na d gossip wey hm dey yarn for town be dat. Jebose your friends no go waka reach heaven o.
Madam shey u sef go reach heaven domot?
Oloriburuku son of Nebuchadnezzar…
**** Have a great week. For entertainment purposes…
THIS THURSDAY WITH NIGERIA’S FORMER FIRST LADY, DAME PATIENCE JONATHAN
THE TELEPHONE CONVERSATION:
Alooohhhh… Jebose my pesin. How far nah
Aaah, my baby, d only madam Pey Pey… I be tink say you no go hola again o. we don tire to dey wait for your call… whats up nah
God scatter your head. Who be your baby, wetin be dat up wey you jus yarn nah nah
Madam, I wan yarn like Yankee nah… Na so we dey take yarn: Whats up
I beg I dey down for Otueke. I nor see anytins for up
Madam u happy this morning o. wetin dey sweet your bele
Oloshi, na everyday you wan make I dey provoke?
No ma… as u dey yarn so dey sweet me sha. But shey you win baba Ijebu Naira lotto because his ya happiness be as e get
Tonda faya you. You too put your nose for wetin no konsan u. You no like to see me happy?. Anyhow sha, na my Jonathan gimme some some last nite
Hmmmm… Eyyaaaahhhh…..Madam Peeeeeeace
Yes o…My husban nak my head for pillow till dis morning o… we no rush… You see, e better sef wey una drive us comot for Aso rock. Dat na d benefis wey I dey enjoi for Otueke. My husban no dey rush rush again
Ah, madam, too much information o
Gerrout, foolish boy. Nor be you aks me sey why I happy?
Yes ma, but I no say make u yarn everything nah. Anyways, u get liver sha
Shut up. Make I no enjoy my husban?. You dey jealous?
Madam, body dey pepper me small small Sha!.
Daleru. Alakoba pesin. Make bodi pain you from Onicha Ugbo reach Otueke, e no konsan me. Jonathan na my own
Okay ma. Ehen, Madam O. my friend, Chris Kehinde Nwandu, say him dey miss you die. Na wetin make am talk like dat
Heheeee!!! So You sabi dat foolish boy?. Dat boy wey no sabi who born am. Na only him get yeye difference names from all d tribalism for Nigeria. Him say him be Kiristofer, come join Kehinde and carry akpuruka Nwandu join join everything. The foolish tatafo forfacebuku. How die pesin go fit miss me. So na dat kain pesin be your friend?. I sorri for u… U no dey get better friends wey go fit helep your life, see Basket Mouth and Ali Baba, and now dis Kehinde pikin wey say him dey miss me. Efulefu peeples na im una be… tell am say I nor be im mama, make he no miss me…
Madam, shebi u say u no go provoke, but you don dey viberate too much now.
Shut up. God punish you. Not o you aks me useless kweshion… You wan make I quench dis fone for your ear?
Haba ma, okay make we Kontinu, Madam, why e be say since your husband no be President again, him never get anoda work… Him don dey unemployed since o
“Devu. I reject you in d name of Jesus. Na your papa no get work. My Jonathan don retirement. Pesin wey retire dey collect penshon…
Hia, Dame, I jus dey wonder, so I say make I aks kweshion na
Foolish pikin. You no dey fear. You dey talk say my husband no get work. My husband na graduate… him no wan work again. I don tell am make him no work
Okay ma. Dem say una go vacation for Kenya, come chatter two private jet wey carry una family from Otueke to Mombasa, I jus wan know where una get the momey from to chatter plane since una no dey work again, and wetin una go do for Kenya
Wetin konsan you?. Gbeborun. We go mpotor park for Kenya to see Lyons and animas o… we go holiday… dats all I go tell u, Oloriburuku pikin
Ehen, dem say you still never comot d foto of Oga Jonathan for your hotel wey dey near Otueke. D foto na when him be President but now, baba Buhari don corner market na
Your fada Jebose, Na who tell u say my husband no be president. Because una drive am comot for market no mean say him no be my president. Oloshi. Oya come remove the fotos nah make you see if you go fit reach Agbor.
Well, I no feel you today, make I waka….
***Have a great week
THURSDAY WITH DAME:
I waited all Thursday for my regular fone conversation with Nigeria's former first lady, Dame Patience Jonathan. She finally called moments ago. The transcript:
"Alo...alo...who dis be?
Hello ma. How far ma na Jebose ma
Ehen. Bad pikin, na wetin again. How far for where. I send you?
Madam i dey hail. How market ma
Tonda faya you. Na which market u gimme sell
Haba Madam. I be your pesin nah. I say make I hail..
Idiot, you Don waka again with your wahala. I sorry for your mama
Me sef sorry for her
Wetin be your mama name sef
Na Regina, ma.
Huhn! Fine woman wey go born double wahala. Idiot pikin. Devu. I sorry for d poor woman.
Madam she don die o. U dey sorry for dead pesin?
Smelly smelly fawulu mouth. Na you kill your mama. Fine woman wey born bad pikin like you na troubule she carry. I sorry for her.
Madam make u simmer nah. Haba
Are you mad. I be your mate. You no know who I be?. Fes lady. Dame, Mama Piss; na me you dey tok to like dis. Heeeyyy.. Make Una see me, see Jebose o. House boy. Nor be your folt. If to say I still dey Abuja, Na
Asari and Tompolo I for arrange to disappear u inside Creek. Wait make Jonathan return
I go tell am.
Oya sorry ma. U too dey viberate sef. Shebi u say I be your pesin.
You be devu
Okay ma. No too viberate. But madam why every time I call you, Oga no dey stay for house?
Wetin konsan you where Jonathan waka kurukerekuruke go?
Madam u don hear say former Minister for Oyel Deziani dey for hospital for London dey sick?
Hmmm. Jebose, you wan make my mouth tok abi. If she like make she peme for Nondon. Dat woman. Na Daleru she be. For six years Jebose, She dey wan scatter my marriage, dey wear expensive Ankara rags, dey shake her lepa yansh make my husband for look her. E remain small, I for por akcid for that her fine face
Ah madam , that one na wicked o
Shut up. God punish you. Wetin make I do when she dey waka come my domot wan steal my Jonathan. Make she die. Na her ashawo don catch am.
Madam u jus dey explode today I be wan beg you for money to pay my rent cos landlord jus dey worry me. You fit help me
Oloshi. Olori buruku anu ofia pikin. When you waka go see Deziani for hospita why you no aks her to dash you money. Shebi you dey follow Oshiomole all over town with him pikin abi na wife, dat Lara gel, wey him marry, why u no tell dem say your Alfa landlord wan troway your yeye property outside?. Where Deziani dey wey me and Jonathan dey swim for doti Creek water?. Him come be president she carry her toto waka come dey wan dash my husband. Jebose I dey vex o.
Hia. Madam make u kulu na. I go waka o. U too dey vex. Oya I beg make I text you my account number na..
Your fada. Onigbese. I nor sabi wetin dat fine Alhaja see for your bodi sef to marry you.
Madam I beg na...
Call me for anoda tosday make I see wetin Jonathan chop remain. How mosh be d money?
Madam na jus 5000 naira. Na face me I face u nah.
Chineke!. Jebose, your own don dabaru patapata.
*** Have a great week
